Baby Boys

So a couple of weeks ago we heard from the kids GAL that Rose and Roman's bio mom had another baby on 4/30/10, Julian, and that he was in CPS custody. We were concerned about his well being so I called his caseworker and she advised me that he tested positive for meth at birth and that his mom was going to prison for a probation violation so that is why he was in CPS custody. The paternal grandparents are doing what they have to do to get custody of him and he is staying with a family friend right now. We felt at peace that he is going to go into a good home and also relieved because we had to think about the posibility of taking him if they asked and we are just not ready for it right now. Then on Friday 5/28/10, we got a call from a caseworker that she was at Alice and Anderson's bio mom's house and was removing a six month old baby boy, Christopher. Danielle asked the caseworker to call us since we had the siblings until she can find someone else to take him. It was so hard for us to decide to take him. HE was removed because the bio father shook him and threw him into Danielle's lap at a Dr appt and they also found meth on them. Our thoughts when we were called were that it would be too much to have five kids under the age of four, that we wouldn't want to take him temporarily and get attached, etc. but we decided to take him as a nonrelative placement temporarily until the team decision meeting on Wednesday 6/2/10. We figured at the very least, Alice and Anderson would have a chance to spend time with him and get some pictures. We got him at about midnight that night, he had no clothes, a few diapers and some formula with one bottle. He is so cute, blond hair, bright blue eyes, and he is bonding with us all very well. It is very hard on me because he constantly wants to be held and the other kids require so much of my attention. I also feel guilty like I am taking away from the other kids or neglecting them. At this point the boys just got out of diapers, we have lots of camping trips planned, a disneyland trip planned and everything is finally getting easier now that the kids are more self sufficient and Alice will be starting kindergarden next year. With that said, we are thinking that we will probably not keep him. We have to draw the line somewhere, as we are sure more babies will be born and we can't take them all. I feel terrible that Alice and Anderson will not have their brother to grow up with and Christopher as well but also it could be the opposite effect. No one knows what the future will hold and we can't make a decision on the future, only what we know now. I am writing this for the future because I want everyone to know how hard of a decision this is for us and to understand the backbone to whatever our decision may be. I will write in a few days to update what is going on with the case.